The importance of community for bereaved parents cannot be overstated. We often want to withdraw from the world around us as it continues marching forward without our child/children. It is hard to reach out but essential for our grieving to grow as we age without them. This article by Kay Bevington is from the Winter 2020 Alive Alone newsletter, and gives some different ways to stay connected to others, and even make new connections, so that we can continue to talk about our child/children.
This is the time of year when a fireplace, heater, furnace or open-pit fire warms our bodies. We have fond memories of family time with Rhonda when we camped and sat around a bonfire with friends. There was a bonding and sense of community as we shared hot s’mores, pudgy pie treats, hot dogs and roasted marshmallows around those bonfires. The hot coals of the bonfire glowed brilliantly as we shared stories and food within our community of family and friends.
If someone would remove a coal or stick from the fire it would blaze and burn for a while. But without the “community of the other fire embers” would soon smolder and go out. Just as those sticks and twigs were needed to keep the fire going, we quickly learned how much we needed our community of friends after Rhonda’s death just before her 16th birthday. Our community of friends stayed with us as we mourned her death and today still speak fondly of her many years later. They talk about the enjoyable times spent around those bonfires, and our many trips and camping experiences.
Some bereaved parents move due to jobs, family or other reasons which forces them to build a new community and develop new memories. This also requires the bereaved parent to “introduce” their deceased children to a new community, if they wish to talk about their children.
Without a regular community of support, we are broken, cold embers. Alive Alone is one means of support, but no single source can give bereaved parents everything they need to build a community. It is wise to build your community of support in a variety of ways: social media sites; online support; books; magazines, one-on-one email, telephone or letter communications; support groups and conferences. To keep bereaved parents glowing like hot coals in a bonfire.
It can be difficult to form a new community and a great way to start is with a bereavement support group such as Bereaved Parents USA, Compassionate Friends, Parents of Murdered Children and Survivors of Suicide. Local hospitals, churches and hospices are other good sources.
These groups provide the warmth we need. When we remove ourselves from “the fire” we become out of sync and our “bright coals soon become cold embers.”
The world tears us down and breaks us when we are bereaved. We need strength, endurance and hope in order to enjoy life and keep our children’s memories alive. This is best achieved when we create or find our community. Community is where we warm our hearts and souls near the bonfire’s burning embers surrounded by friends who care and understand.
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